in a horrible way, not horrible for her but horrible for me, for us to watch. I’ve never watched a person die. I feel changed, after every death…. every funeral. God, my grandfather died just 6 months ago….  there is so much strain and pain in thinking about these things. it takes so much effort. and you can’t really get around these thoughts.


Organizing everything (the funeral, the will etc.). Saying things, listening to people talk about her or death. It just hurts because in her I saw all of humanity. We will all die and I know it’s okay



But it still…. affects me so
the memories 
and especially the words

everyone has a different view on it, but there are always those universal truths. 
every little thing that made her a person, separate from all others… like I can’t never go to her for commentary or advice again. She is gone, it’s hard to believe because she was still working part time and just LIVING. 

The transition: the illness, the stroke, the blood clots, intensive care… It sucks and then it’s over, and she is gone. 

anyways, I really love that poem by John Dunn

no man is an island 
and the bell tolls for us
that reminder comes with a bit of a sting
because there are so many people that I love so dearly….. that a life without them is imaginable, but it has to happen…. to us all…. eventually 


IT just…… is.